Confession

So after my BIG epic weekend of training last week i have not done anything but sit on my medium size ass and eat and eat and eat and eat!!!! F*%#

What the hell am i doing??? I really don't know where this has come from. I know what i need to do to achieve my goals and that ain't it. What the hell is going on in this little head of mine???

Maybe i am scared of failure, of letting people down. If i just don't try i won't have live up to my promises, up to my word. If i stop now it won't be that much of an issue because the half marathon is still like 12 weeks away and people will forget what i had said by then. Why the hell am i having these thoughts??? It all just seems to hard for me at the moment. The thought of running a half marathon scares the shit out of me. It sounded all good in theory but once you actually sign up for it and commit, holy shit!!!!!

I am in a bad mental place at the moment and i need to pull back and refocus. Maybe go back through the pre season tasks and watch all the videos AGAIN!!!! I need motivation, i need consistency and i need balance in my life. I didn't lose any weight last week and i kind of used the TTOTM excuse and the nearly at my goal weight excuse. I have to re visit my goals, i know i can do it. I know that the goals i have set for myself are achievable, i just need to want to do it. I can't be bothered!!!!

So in saying that i got up early this morning, got dressed and drove down to the river. I argued and fought with myself the whole way, even sat in the car and pondered whether to get out and go for a run or not. IT was still dark and no one else was around. Yes, No, Will I, Won't I SO yes i did. Got my ass out of the car and started to run. Now i was not feeling it at all, i kept playing with my ipod trying to find music to get me in the right mood, was cursing myself thinking what the hell am i doing. Then by the time i got into a groove i was half way around the loop and thought 'SHIT i gotta get all the way back over there to where my car is' so i had to keep on running. I did finish the 6.2km loop and i was not happy about it BUT it was done. I was still arguing with myself when i had finished and then i thought shut the hell up it is done, get home to your kids!!! It is so draining arguing with yourself.

Oh the conversations i have to myself in my head ... they are really quite amusing once i think about it.

So here's to a new week and a new plan of attack. To stay positive and to be grateful. To take one day at a time and to be HAPPY xx xx